16374--Fantasy Suggests, Reality Dictates and Household Maintenance Endures

I'd say the dishes are done, but that wouldn't really be true.  I don't think any cleaning is ever done.  It's a cyclical thing.  You can have low points in the cycle, but it never has an end.  That's a basic reality.  This is probably why some people find it so appealing to thrive on take-out food.  That feeds the fantasy of avoiding the persistent drudgery of household maintenance.

As a dad, domestication is more of a requirement.  Household maintenance doesn't just mean taking care of the trash and yard work.  Today, it was taking care of dishes and laundry and sick wife and cooking everyone a breakfast they would eat.  Finicky kids are funny: they'll eat any sweet processed crap a cereal company stuffs into a colorful box, but when someone upon whom their life depends goes into the kitchen and lovingly prepares a custom meal for them they get picky.  Part of being a domesticated dad is learning to fight the urge to unleash swift and blinding violence against the people around you when they become annoying.

"Awww...I don't like this."
"Yes, you do."
"No, I don't."
"You ate it yesterday.  You loved it."
"I'm not hungry."
"You said you were hungry five minutes ago."
"I'm not hungry."
"Just eat it."
*unintelligible grunt* accompanied by a pronounced slouch
"Fine, just pout then."

Noise?  That's just the sound of my internal conflict becoming external, why?  It only sounds like my forehead bouncing off the wall. 

Back when I was single, I had absolutely no responsibility to feed people who annoyed me or even just couldn't decide what they wanted to eat.  If my friends and I got together on the weekends and my turn came up to make a food run, the guys learned quickly to make decisions on what they wanted.  When I got on my feet and pointed my finger, I asked the question "What do you want?" and expected an answer from these people who claimed to be hungry and had me going to get them food.  "Uh..." earned a response of "Nothing for you" and I moved on to the next guy in the poll.  Imminent starvation does wonders for reactivating a society-addled survival instinct.

I'm not a fan of coddling children.  "I don't want spoiled milk," I've always said, "why would I want spoiled kids?"  I've been assured there's a law against throwing them out when they go bad on you.  I trust my mom, so I'm willing to take her at her word, but I also recognize that she carries some bias.  Still, she knows how I feel.  Hey, she took part in raising me, so she's responsible for some of it.  In fact, on my birthdays, I call her to wish her a "Happy Mother's Day" and thank her for not caving in the back of my head with a rock when she had the chance.  Still, we all want our kids to be able to survive out of the nest, but we also want them to have a reasonably comfortable path getting to that point.  Some of them appreciate it and others don't.  A lot of them are clueless.

I've got one video game junkie who's halfway through teenage.  He seems to have decided that I need to teach him humility.  I wouldn't say he has much of an interest in it and he doesn't seem to enjoy it, but at least it makes me laugh.  Like many teens, he seems to think he's smarter, stronger, tougher, etc. than he is.  I think they go through that sort of thing because their growth has them more developed than they've ever been.  It goes to their teen heads, swelling them.  That really seems to make mine hate facing that dad actually is smarter, stronger, tougher, etc. than he is.  The stark reality threatens the gossamer edges of his bubble made from fantasy and denial. 

What can I do, though?  We're like the BEFORE and AFTER pictures in the old Charles Atlas ads.  I can count his ribs, weigh more than twice what he does, can bench press more than three times what he can and my shirts fit him like bedsheets.  When we watch Jeopardy!, his favorite answer is "Uh..."  and I can certainly do his homework better than he can (not that I would do it for him).  I'm a writer, but I get up and do things, too.  He's a kid and he'll stay in bed till noon if he's allowed to.  There's no part of my mind that says my acting like Clark Kent for the sake of his ego is a good idea.

As long as he can keep them to himself, I'm easy-going enough to let him have his fantasies most days.  Kids use fantasy as part of their growth process.  It helps them deal with reality in controlled doses.  It's similar to the way we grown-ups shield them from certain things till we feel they're old enough to deal with them.  So I let him have his fantasies...to a point.  I try to restrain myself from crushing fragile little egos (we want them out of the nest, not curled in a ball in the corner), so I try not to rub his nose in too much reality as long as he doesn't get out of line.  Sometimes, though...well, teenage boy.  Which means, he asks for it.  He doesn't always realize he's doing it, but he does ask for it.

One of the ways a lot of kids learn the limits between their delicate fantasies and our collective reality is to push at the borders.  When that becomes dangerous or just irksome (which I think most parents are probably familiar with), the "teachable moment" flag goes up and parenting time starts.  I used to have a plan for my rambunctious charge to dig himself a hole in the back yard that was deep enough for him to stand in, then have him stand in it while I filled it back in up to his neck.  The last part involved waiting to see how long it took him to break.  Mom, again, said I wouldn't be allowed to do that either.  Another dream fell, shattered.  Well, not really shattered, since I keep it tucked away in one of my happy places.  That means I have to be creative when the parenting balloon goes up.  It also means the kid is not going to enjoy it, but there's no reason for me (the parent) to miss an opportunity for some fun.  When it's your turn, trust me, run with it.  It's part of household maintenance.  It helps keep you, the parent, happy.  Plus, the earlier you deal with...whatever, the happier you'll be in the long run.

Was I ever that bad?  Mom says I wasn't and we've already established that, despite her bias, I trust her.  I was an odd child, preferring to stay in reading and writing even after being licensed to drive.  I grew into an odd adult, but my wife says she's happier that I do this rather than eat pork rinds, drink beer and watch sports.  Admittedly, it means that I do lack some of the exact experiences to draw upon for ammunition, but I've managed to learn a few things about human nature.  For one thing, I'm waiting for the day when each boy will decide it's time to do the Man Dance.  Not all boys have that day, but I've heard that many do.  As a coming-of-age moment, the Man Dance is that special time in a young one's life when he decides it's his time to stand up and challenge his dad, usually because that swelled teen head has gotten the better of him.  It usually ends up with a boy's bubble being burst by reality.

Children also seem to have the ability to poke at my love and compassion in a way that triggers my concern for their lack of developed sensibilities.  Sadly, the kids don't seem to have developed a sense of appreciation for my sarcastic wit.  It can make the life lessons take a little longer and I have to deal with "Huh?" a lot.  I've gotten pretty good at sighing...and shaking my head...and communicating with a stern stare.  Still, I persist.  My brain clings to the idea that it will someday be able to awaken our children's brains.  It has something to do with there being a joy to teaching that brings satisfaction to the soul, I think.  Did I mention the part where it's funny, too?  When I hear the words "Thanks, dad," couched in a distinctive tone of exasperation, I know my work is done.

And when I say "done", I recognize that it's a cyclical thing.  Kids can only handle so much teaching at once and I don't think there's ever an end.  That's just the reality.  Of course, there are days when the teaching/learning part seems that it might be the fantasy.

I feel a sigh coming.

16361--Secrets You Should Know to Keep Everything From Falling Apart

We all exist in our own private Wonderland that is more often than not summed up in the word: human.  The human creature exists as a churning mass of chemicals all built from microscopic chains of protein.  From there, those spiraling strands of DNA, all the rest of our composition flows.

Proteins, carbohydrates, fat, cholesterol, a whole pharmacy of chemical compounds make a non-stop dance within the confines of our skin suits.  There's a conspiracy of activity striving to keep us alive and thriving.  So if being of sound mind and body is actually important to us, how do we mess it up?  And what can we do to keep our equipment in working condition?

We all know the answer, even if we don't want to face it.  Life requires maintenance.  We can see it in anything that we create.  Machines need to be maintained to keep working.  Cities need to be maintained or they crumble, the territory to be reclaimed by nature.  Houses need to be cared for or they'll fall into disrepair.  The human body is the same.

That means work.  That means eating properly and it means excercise.  Now, once upon a time, this used to be easier.  Before junk food production became major industries and before we started using our brains to think up sedentary occupations for ourselves, we were hunters and gatherers.  Or at least our ancestors were.  They worked hard to survive and exercise came with that as a matter of course.  Those people walked everywhere.  A lot of the time, they were walking to find food, so there was definite motivation.  Food was much more scarce so overeating was no more likely than eating badly.

Today, we've learned to keep the food coming to us and we've crafted a civilization that makes sitting a major part of daily activity.  Instead of making time to rest, we have to make time to move.  I remember Doc Brown explaining it to the saloon audience of 1885 in "Back to the Future III" and even they thought it sounded ridiculous.  "Does anybody walk or run anymore?" Pat Buttram asked him.  Wistfully, the good doctor assured them that we modern descendants would continue the practices for fun and general well-being, but...we've managed to create some large butts.  Watch The Learning Channel for a couple of weeks and you're likely to see a few people you would swear were taking lifestyle tips from Jabba the Hutt.

OK, so if you've decided you don't want to resign yourself to having people deliver platters of food to you on an hourly basis and test the limits of the human body's fat storage system, it's time to get up and walk.  "But why?  Obviously we were meant to store lots of fat." 

Yes we were, because food used to be scarce for humankind for the last hundred thousand years.  Recently, as you might've heard, we fixed that.  We're also built for walking.  With practice, we can outdistance anything we want to eat.  That's how humans used to catch faster, stronger prey animals.  We'd push them till they were worn out, better still if we'd managed to wound them first.  Hunts might take days, but our ancestors learned to walk and run and to track things down.  We inherited a great exercise and a tremendous energy storing system.

Walking is a great exercise that requires no special equipment.  You don't even have to break a sweat for it to benefit you.  Walk thirty minutes to an hour every day and it'll be better for you than trying to run seven hours a week.  "What?  If a little is good, isn't more even better?"

Pull up a chair.  Yeah, more sitting.  I'm going to hit you with two secrets of health and fitness that they won't tell you on the diet pill commercials.  There's a limit to the health benefits you will receive from exercise.  Surprise!  After you've burned about 2500 calories on exercise in a week, you can take a break.  You won't receive any more perks after that.  That's not to say you can't keep training and teach your body to run a hundred miles if you want to; however, if that were your goal, you wouldn't need a push from me.  You would already be out there running.  So for all of you still reading, ask yourself if you'd rather walk thirty minutes a day or run for two and a half hours?  I know my answer.

Now, since I mentioned the commercials, they may have enticed you with images of smiling people sporting low-fat bodies and chiseled abs.  Many people find these images to be very motivating goals.  That's why they use them.  Assuming you're still sitting, I've got another bit of information they're not sharing with you.  Those smiling low-fat people aren't healthy.

To be medically technical about it, the images they're showing you are of anorexics.  Anorexia wasn't a desirable medical state the last time I checked.  Your body uses fat for different reasons, so it needs it.  Hell, your brain is made out of fat and cholesterol.  If you're wearing ten percent bodyfat or less, you're anorexic and so are those models on TV.  By the time of their photo shoot, they've likely dehydrated themselves, too, to really make sure the skin is tight.  That's why you can see their chiseled abs and sculpted musculature...and their ribs.  That's the only way you're going to see yours either.  Do Olympic gymnasts and weightlifters show off their abs?  No.  Their very strong muscles are hidden under fat, but that's OK because they came to perform, not to pose.


You should go do some push-ups.  Start with as many as you can handle and remember to breathe deeply.  Some days do a few less.  Switch it up to surprise your muscles.  Notice how much easier it becomes.  You don't have to set an hour aside for this simple activity, just one minute at a time throughout the day while you're taking those stretch breaks to keep from sitting all day.  You will increase your strength and your stamina over time. 

The great thing about the simple push-up is that you're not just working your arms.  There are a variety of ways to do push-ups and you're going to work your core muscles, strengthening your back and your abdominals, as you go.  That means you're less likely to hurt yourself as you perform other activities.  And since you're breathing deeply, your breathing will improve.  When your breathing improves, everything improves.

Now, when you build muscle, you will become stronger.  You will also become heavier, so don't freak out when you hit the scale.  Another secret ("Man, how come nobody's been telling me this stuff?") is that as you build muscle, your body will store a little more fat.  Don't panic.  I'm not saying that push-ups and other resistance exercises will make you fatter.  Actually, the accumulation keeps a pretty even pace.  If you started at twenty-five percent bodyfat and added ten pounds after a few weeks of strength training, you'd find that you were still at twenty-five percent bodyfat.  That means you've added a few of those pounds in the form of fat.

Getting rid of the fat is a little trickier.  The commercials don't tell you this one either, but there is a limit to how much fat you can burn.  A pound of fat stores thirty-five hundred calories.  It's a lot and it's a lot to burn.  It's even a lot to eat in a day, but we've proven we can do it.  Unfortunately, it's more than we need.  Due to the efficiency of the human body, you won't burn more than two pounds of fat in a week.  If you could, no one would've needed to invent liposuction.  When the commercials tell you someone lost thirty pounds in two weeks, a little math will tell you that it's not all fat.  If it wasn't fat, then it was something that person should've kept (muscle, water, etc.). 

That gets us back to the basics, but that's OK because we're trying to keep things simple.

• Eat right: protein first, followed by vegetables and low-starch carbohydrates
• Eat less: unless you're involved in intense exercise, you probably don't need more than two thousand calories a day--no super-sizing!
• Walk more, sit less.
• Get regular sleep and drink plenty of water: like I said, basics

Your total body weight isn't the indicator you want to watch when determining your health.   Pay attention to your body mass composition.  If you haven't already, shop for a good bodyfat scale.  For detailed reading, you might look into the writings of biochemist Dr. Bart Sears.  He developed the Zone Diet.  A lot of different diet plans have built on its simple framework and touted themselves as revolutionary (The Miami Beach Diet, for example, was a hybrid that starts as the Atkins Diet and segues into the Zone Diet).

One other bit of exercise you might want to look into is rebounding.  If you think you're not familiar with it, it's basically jumping on a trampoline.  Not the big ones, like in your backyard, which is undeniably a lot of fun.  No, this involves the little ones like you'd find in the exercise equipment department.  There is a difference, though.  The mini-trampoline will cost you about $40 and the "rebounder" about $200.  Unlike most products, though, the difference in quality really is reflected in the price.  Use the $40 model like the $200 model and you'll wear it out in about a month.  A "rebounder" is bouncier, sturdier and designed to last for years.

If you like bouncing on the big ones, you'll probably enjoy the small version.  On the small one, you can bounce inside and get more bounces.  The importance of this is that you're altering the stress on your whole body at once repeatedly.  At the height of a bounce, you're airborne and feeling weightless.  At the bottom, you've momentarily multiplied the g-force stress on yourself, over and over, but without the impact stress of jogging or even walking.  Even though it's fun, ten minutes of that counts as work.  Do a few thousand bounces every week and who cares whether or not you go for a walk?