Tuesday, June 26, 2012

16693--You Already Know This if You're a Tough Guy

Failure to see weapon potential is a failure of imagination.

 You've probably seen those handy first-aid kits available in stores that the general public can buy to keep ready in the car or at home.  Tough guys don't use those any more than they visit doctors.  Some of the more stubborn tough guys have been known to keep apples on-hand to throw at doctors, which seems to work even better for its much-touted purpose than taking the fruit internally.  That said, a tough guy's first-aid manual really doesn't need more than one page.  That page says: Walk it off

Brick Stone discovered a similarly worded single-page appendix in his copy of The Official Private Eye Handbook.  In addition to the basic instruction shown above was motivational text designed to encourage the reader to stop whining in an unmanly fashion and get on with life, but such inclusions are known to vary with the editor of the manual's differing editons.  If you're a fast-healing mutant or alien superbeing, sucking it up and walking it off are just part of the package and can easily go without saying.  Mortal men need a little reminder now and then.

Like it or not, mortal men (super spies, private eyes, maverick cops, etc.) also need some of the contents of the first-aid kit sometimes, too, but tough guys never really think that way.  Needing the stuff and using it are two entirely different things.  First-aid kits usually come equipped with some kind of pain killer.  Tough guys don't bother with those.  Tough guys grit their teeth and move on to ignoring the bandages.  Any "ouchie" small enough to be handled by the adhesive bandages in a first-aid kit is small enough to be ignored by a tough guy.

  Why are you even still looking in the kit?  Didn't you read the manual? 

Larger injuries (long and gaping gashes, protruding bones, penetrations) will be tended to by the application of an antiseptic (the more it stings the better, fueling tough guy determination).  A paper towel will do in a pinch, but cloth is better.  When you're in a tight spot, use a piece of torn clothing.  Soak whatever you've got in rubbing alcohol (which will provide the mild sting for you to feed your dogged determination), cover the wound with the soaked item and then wrap it in place with duct or electrical tape.  You've just made a mandage.

Can I get a gallon price on this?

If you're an old-school tough guy, you'll doubtlessly be a fan of the one-stop approach: of course, you have whiskey handy to pour on the wound, tie a shirt sleeve around an injured limb or fold and press it against a torso wound (some like to pack the wound with chewing tobacco first, but I recommend cayenne pepper for stopping blood) and take a couple of swigs of the whiskey to act as the pain killer.  Now, don't you feel manly?

Manly medicinal efficiency.


  1. You should remind your readers that you are NOT a doctor. Of course, I can vouch for your credentials as a tough guy.

    1. My readers are very...bright. They remember that I've never claimed to be a doc. That's OK, though. Hey, folks, I'm not a doc. I do, however, have what is, literally, a staggering quantity of apples :D