Tuesday, May 24, 2011

16298--Underdog Hospitalized

     A folk legend, known to many as the street-hero "Underdog", was admitted to Bellvue Hospital's psychiatric ward over the weekend.  His true name still unknown, "Underdog" worked for several years as a humble, but loveable shoe-shine boy.  Tragically falling under the influence of a locally produced designer drug, a potent combination of stimulants and hallucinogens, he launched a solo campaign of defiance against the police and the phone company.  In addition to many thousands of dollars of random property damage, his drug-fueled flights of frenzy cost Ma Bell an estimated total of forty-seven phone booths over a period of three and a half years, prompting the removal of virtually all phone booths from the city.
     Taken to the hospital by his long-time girlfriend, prostitute "Sweet Polly Purebread", "Underdog" was returned to the care of his psychiatrist, Dr. Simon Bar Sinister.
     "I jus' couldn't stand t'see him do it to hisself no more, y'know?" Miss Purebread explained.  "He'd be jumpin' round  in those sweats wit' that towel round his neck and I jus' knew he was gonna get hisself killed.  He was always rhymin' and seein' animal heads on people and then beatin' 'em up.  A woman's got t'look out f'her man, y'know?"
     Given his unstable mental condition and the fact that "Underdog" has been instrumental in helping the police capture numerous criminals, all of whom he hallucinated as having various bizzare forms, the District Attorney has no plans to file any charges against him at this time.  Dr. Sinister displayed guarded optimism for his patient's outcome and has the hospital staff performing thorough health screenings on both "Underdog" and Miss Purebread.
     "The withdrawal from the drugs will take time, to be sure," the doctor said.  "Without them, he collapses into a weakened, almost paralyzed state, but I'm very confident his dependency on the chemicals he's been using can be eliminated.  Still, the drugs only served to compound the already existing conditions of paranoid schizophrenia and several deeply rooted psychoses.  His adventurous delusions and flights of heroic fancy are marked manifestations of these.  At this point, I wouldn't be surprised to find a few extra personalities bouncing around inside that poor little guy's skull, especially considering the childhood abuse he must have suffered that made him the way he is.  I've no doubt that Miss Purebread will prove to be another fascinating study.

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